The Boston Dip Read online

  Dasher. I see: an old friend of the family. You’re just the man I want to see. Yes, sir, the moment I set eyes on you I said to myself, “There’s a man who can serve me.”

  Mulligrub. Indeed—( aside ) with a broken head.

  Dasher. Yes, sir. You know old Mulligrub?

  Mulligrub (aside ). Old Mulligrub! (Aloud. ) Intimately.

  Dasher. Good. I’ve never seen him, but people say he’s immensely rich. What do you say? Will he cut up well?

  Mulligrub (aside ). “Cut up!” Confound his impudence.

  Dasher. I’ve particular reasons for wishing to know. I may say, I am very much attached to a member of his family, you understand. I’m not mercenary; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I want to know is this, will the old man shell out?

  Mulligrub. Shell out? Look here, young man, for coolness you certainly would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska. If I don’t answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old Mulligrub to “cut up” or “shell out” at all. (Aside. ) It must certainly be “Dip.”

  Dasher. O, you won’t tell. Hush! there’s somebody coming—somebody who I am particularly anxious to meet alone, you understand. Just step out of that door ( pointing, C. ), that’s a good fellow.

  Mulligrub. Sir, I shall do nothing of the kind.

  Dasher. But you must—only for a moment, and then you shall return. (Pushes him back. )

  Mulligrub. Sir, do you know who I am?

  Dasher. Certainly; a friend of the family; and, as a friend of the family, when the time comes you shall know all. Now go, that’s a good fellow. (Pushes him back to door, C. )

  Mulligrub. But, sir, I shall not. (Aside. ) Stop. I’ll watch. (Aloud. ) Very well, sir; as I seem to be in the way, I will retire.

  Dasher. I knew you would—you’re such a good fellow.

  Mulligrub. Good fellow! (Aside. ) Confound his impudence.

  [Exit, C.

  Dasher. Ha, ha! Got rid of him. (Comes down stage. Mulligrub enters, C., and steps behind screen. ) Now for a tender interview with Miss Eva, ending in a proposal, which I know she will accept. (Enter Eva, c. ) I knew you would come.

  Eva. Because I promised. O, Mr. Dasher, that waltz was delightful.

  Dasher. Indeed! I am glad you enjoyed it. If it gave you pleasure I should be satisfied, though my heart is heavy, and the waltz had little inspiration for me.

  Eva. Dear me, Mr. Dasher, you look as melancholy as an owl. What has gone wrong?

  Dasher. Nothing—everything—Miss Eva. I am on the verge of a precipice, a frightful precipice. (Mulligrub’s head appears above screen.)

  Mulligrub (aside ). There’s “Dip” and—Eva, as I live!

  Eva. I don’t understand you, Mr. Dasher.

  Dasher. Upon the verge of a frightful precipice I totter. Beneath me are the whitened bones of many a mortal. If I fall not a tear will be shed for me.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Nary a tear, young man.

  Dasher. ’Tis the valley of disappointed hopes.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Dip’s getting grave.

  Dasher. Into this must I fall, unless the succoring hand be stretched forth to me.

  Mulligrub (aside ). The sucker!

  Dasher. You, Miss Eva, you—admirable, divine, angelic—can stretch forth that hand to save Dasher from dashing himself into the valley.

  Eva. Mr. Dasher, have you been drinking?

  Dasher. Draughts of bliss from the fountain of love: basking in the sunshine of your presence. O, Miss Eva, will you save me?

  Eva. Once again, Mr. Dasher, I tell you I do not understand you.

  Mulligrub (aside ). ’Twould puzzle a Dutchman.

  Dasher. Have I then been mistaken? have those little delicate attentions which I fondly imagined were gaining for me a corner on your heart—ah, I mean in your heart—been wasted on the desert air?

  Mulligrub (aside ). Dip’s getting airy.

  Dasher. On the brink of a precipice I stand—

  Mulligrub (aside ). On the rocks again, Dip.

  Dasher. Can you see me rush headlong to ruin, angelic Eva.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Dip’s getting high—

  Dasher. You are the star of my destiny; you are the prize for which I strive, you are the divinity of my adoration. Here on my knees—( Falls on his knees L. of Eva.) I swear nothing shall part us.

  Enter Ida, r., hurriedly.

  Ida. O, quick, quick, Eva! I’ve got you such a partner! He’s all impatience. Quick! the music is just about to commence. I wouldn’t have you lose him for the world.

  Eva. But Ida—

  Ida. Don’t stop to talk. Come quick! quick! (Drags her off, R. )

  Mulligrub (aside ). Ha, ha! Dip’s left on the brink again.

  Dasher (jumping up ). Confound that girl! I’ve lost the chance. This comes of making a long story about a very short question. The precipice was a failure. I’ll go and pump the friend of the family. (Exit, C. Mulligrub comes from screen.)

  Mulligrub. That can’t be Dip, after all. He’s after Eva. But he can’t have her. Thanks to his confidential assurance, I can send him over the precipice into the valley of disappointed hopes in short order.

  Enter Kids, c.

  Kids. Now weally, I saw Miss Ida enter this woom, positively saw her, and now she’s gone. Hallo! an intrudaw. Sir, I have not the honow of your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-place of a bevy of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here.

  Mulligrub. Show! then you are not a masculine mortal, I take it.

  Kids. Sir, you are impertinent. I am—I am a particular fwiend of the lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Can this be Dip? (Aloud. ) Sir, I am a particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her husband’s brother.

  Kids. Weally, the bwover of her husband’s bwover. Pon honow, that’s a sort of cwoss-eyed welation.

  Mulligrub. What do you mean by that? Do you doubt my right to be here?

  Kids. Hey? wight?—no, no. (Aside. ) He must be a witch welation. (Aloud. ) Do you know Mr. Mulligwub?

  Mulligrub. Intimately.

  Kids. I say, would it be a good inwestment to wun away with a membaw of his family?

  Mulligrub (aside ). It must be Dip. Shall I mash him? No, no, the proof first. (Aloud. ) Splendid! Can I help you?

  Kids. Well, I don’t know. He’s a wough specimen, and he so vulgaw. Sold fish in a handcart, too. I detest fish, it’s on such a low scale. Now isn’t that good? It’s owiginal, too. I don’t like the odaw. Dreadful low people, but then, there’s lots of money. Yaas, I think I will sacwafice myself.

  Mulligrub (aside ). I’ll sacrifice you, you monkey. (Aloud. ) But tell me, who is the favored member of the family?

  Kids. Hush! somebody’s coming. You must wetire.

  Mulligrub. What, and lose the fun? No, I thank you.

  Kids. You must, weally. The lady is coming. It would shock her delicate nerves were you to be pwesent at the interview. So go, that’s a dear fellah. (Pushes him back, C. )

  Mulligrub (aside ). He calls me a good fellah. Shall I fell him on the spot? No, I’ll wait; vengeance can afford to wait.

  Kids. Do wetire, and, when it’s all ovaw, I will call you. (Pushes him back, C. ) Good fellah.

  Mulligrub. You’ll call me when it’s all over. (Aside. ) I’ll be on hand while it’s going on.

  [Exit, C.

  Kids. There, the bwover of the husband’s bwover is excluded from the apartment of the wife of the bwover’s husband—no, that ain’t it, it’s the bwover’s wife’s husband—no, or—( Mulligrub enters, C., and gets behind screen.) Here she comes, lovely as a poppy, because she’s got a rich poppy. That’s good—owiginal, too.

  Enter Ida, r.

  I
da. Here I am, Mr. Kids, to fulfill my promise.

  Kids. Yaas, Miss Ida, like the bounding fawn that—that—weally, I forget what the bounding fawn was doing—O, weally, bounding, of course. That’s very good—isn’t it?—owiginal, too. But where was the bounding fawn bound? that’s the question.

  Ida. I wish I could answer your question, but, not being versed in natural history, I am unable to say.

  Kids. Weally. Well, never mind the fawn. Listen, O, listen! I’m a miserable wetch, I am.

  Ida. Miserable? you?

  Kids. Yaas, weally. I’m standing—I’m standing,—where am I standing?—O, on the bwink of a howid pwecipice.

  Mulligrub (sticking his head above screen ). Hallo! another brink, another precipice, and—Ida, as I live.

  Ida. La, Mr. Kids, what a dangerous position.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Kids; then it’s not Dip, that’s certain.

  Kids. O, dweadful, dweadful. But you can save me.

  Ida. How, Mr. Kids?

  Kids. That’s the ideah, Miss Ida; for when a fellah is on the bwink of such a pwecipice, as the pwecipice I am on the bwink of, the best way to save him is to push him ovaw.

  Ida. Well, that’s certainly an original idea.

  Kids. Yaas, it is an owiginal, idea—mine, too—I found it in my bwain, with the help of the diwectory. When a fellah’s on the bwink of matwimony, of course his safety and his happiness is secured by his being pushed into it. You see my ideah.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Deuced clumsy one.

  Ida. But how can I help you?

  Kids. By pushing me ovaw. Miss Ida, you are bewitching, you are lovely, you are divine, and on my knees I ask you ( falls on his knees L. of Ida ) to give me a push.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Confounded jackass.

  Ida. But, Mr. Kids, I don’t understand. You’re so—so—( Aside. ) Where can Eva be? (Aloud. ) You say you are on the brink of a precipice.

  Kids. Howid, howid; and if you consent to be—

  Enter Eva, r.

  Eva. Quick, quick, Ida! mother’s fainted.

  Ida. You don’t mean it?

  Eva. Yes, yes, come quick! What are you waiting for?

  Ida. But Mr. Kids is on the brink of a precipice.

  Eva. Let him stay there. Come with me. (Drags Eva off, R. )

  Mulligrub (aside ). Won’t somebody be kind enough to remove that precipice?

  Kids (rising ). Yaas, weally, that owiginal ideah will kill me, I know it will. I must go and bathe my head in Cologne, I must weally. Miss Ida didn’t push well; in fact, I don’t believe she’s fond of pushing fellah’s ovaw, I don’t, weally.

  [Exit, C.

  Mulligrub (comes from behind screen ). I don’t think that’s Dip—I don’t, weally. Egad! those girls of mine are determined not to be caught by chaff. I wonder if I can say as much for the old lady. I wish she would make her appearance. This must be the room. Ah, here she comes. Now for something interesting. (Runs behind screen. )

  Enter Mrs. Mulligrub, r.

  Mrs. M. The fiddlers are tuning up for a waltz, and if Munseer Adonis is to keep his word now is the time. I wonder what Moses would say if he knew what I was about. But he can’t know. He’s safe at home, and there’s certainly no harm in obtaining a graceful inquisition to my other accomplishments. (Music, Beautiful Blue Danube, soft and low. ) There they go. O, isn’t that splendid. (Waltzes about stage in a very awkward manner. )

  Mulligrub (with head above screen ). What’s the matter with Hannah? She’s bobbing about the room like a turkey with’s its head off.

  Enter Monsieur Adonis, r.

  Mons. A. Charmant, charmant! (Music stops. ) Madam, you are ze ecstasy of motion. You have ze grace of ze antelope, and ze step of ze fairy.

  Mrs. M. O, don’t! You have come—

  Mons. A. Wiz ze “Boston Dip,” as I have promise.

  Mulligrub (aside ). “Boston Dip.” That’s him—the scoundrel!

  Mrs. M. O, I’m so nervous.

  Mulligrub (aside ). You ought to be, you hypocrite.

  Mons. M. Zar is not ze least occasion. We are here alone.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Not quite, Dip, not quite.

  Mons. A. No one will dare to enter here. Zar is none to look at you but I, and am I not discretion itself, madam?

  Mrs. M. O, you are the soul of honor.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Humbug!

  Mons. M. Now, zar is no time to lose. Permit me. (Takes her hand and leads her C. )

  Mulligrub (aside ). Dip’s taking her hand. I shall choke!

  Mons. A. Put your left hand in mine—so.

  Mulligrub (aside ). She obeys him. Ah, faithless Hannah!

  Mons. A. Zat is good. Do not tremble—zar is no danger.

  Mulligrub (aside ). Don’t be so sure of that.

  Mons. A. Now, my arm around your waist—so.

  Mulligrub (aside ). O, perfidious Hannah!

  Mons. A. Now let your head drop upon ze collar of my coat. Ah, zat is good, zat is exquisite.

  Mulligrub. She presses his collar, and my cholar is rising. I shall choke with rage.

  Mons. M. All right. Now, one, two, three, and off we go.

  Mulligrub (pushing the screen over on to the floor. Discovered standing in a chair, with doubled fist ). Stop! (Very loud. )

  Mrs. M. Ah! (Screams, and falls into Monsieur Adonis’s arms.)

  Mons. A. Sacre! Who calls so loud?

  Mulligrub. An injured husband.

  Mrs. M. (jumping up ). O, it’s Moses!

  Mulligrub. Yes, it is Moses! Moses the deluded; Moses the deceived; Moses the betrayed; Moses on the brink of a precipice.

  Mom. A. Moses!—Who be Moses?

  Mrs. M. My husband.

  Mons. A. Monsieur Mulligrub! O, ze light break upon my head.

  Mulligrub (jumping down ). Tremble, rascal! You’re discovered. Woman, begone! O, Hannah! can I believe my eyes. You—you make an appointment with such a miserable, contemptible, sneaking cur as that? But I’ll be revenged, rascal! (Takes Monsieur Adonis by throat.) Blaster of peaceful families ( shaking him ), I’ll have your life!

  Mons. A. Help! help! I am choke all over too much! Help! help!

  Mrs. M. O, Moses, spare him!

  Mulligrub. Never! I’ll shake the life out of him. Rascal!

  Mons. A. Help! somebody, quick!

  Mulligrub. Scoundrel!

  Mons. A. Help! help! He squeeze my windpipe all too much.

  Enter, r., Ida and Eva ; c., Dasher and Kids.

  Eva. Father here?

  Ida. And fighting?

  Dasher. What is the meaning of this?

  Kids. Weally, a wow, a wiot, a wumpus!

  Mulligrub. Meaning of it! Look at this miserable wretch!—this thing who answers to the name of “Boston Dip.”

  All. “Boston Dip.”

  Mons. A. Sar, you insult me. My name is Monsieur Achilles Adonis.

  Eva. And “Boston Dip” is the name given to the latest movement of the waltz.

  Mulligrub. What, not the name of an individual? Then, what is the meaning of that? (Shows note. )

  Mons. A. Zat is my note, monsieur.

  Mrs. M. Yes, written by me to Monsieur Adonis, asking him to give me a private lesson here.

  Eva. And father thought it a love affair? O, father!

  Ida. A man with the name of “Boston Dip!” O, father!

  Dasher. Friend of the family, you’ve made a mistake.

  Kids. Yaas, dipped into the wong man. Now isn’t that good—owiginal, too.

  Mulligrub (looks at each in a foolish manner, then takes Mrs. Mulligrub by the hand; leads her C., and kneels ). Hannah, I’m on the brink of a frightful precipice. I’ve made a fool of myself. Forgive me, and let’s go home.

  Mrs. M. I think you have, Moses.

  Dasher. There’s not the least doubt of it.

  Kids. Yaas, Moses into the bull-wushes! That’s good—weally owiginal, too.

  Mulligrub (rising ). Monsieur Adonis, I beg your pardon for my rude
ness. I will make amends, ample reparation. Greenbacks shall shower upon your classic academy. To you, gentlemen, I need make no apologies. You see the old man has “cut up,” and perhaps may be made to “shell out.” I don’t think my girls will be able to assist you on that precipice. With your permission, I will retire.

  Eva. Don’t go, father. Stay and enjoy yourself.

  Ida. And see us waltz. We have splendid partners.

  Mons. A. Proficient in all ze elegancies of ze art.

  Mrs. M. Moses, I’m ashamed of you. You’re really proficient in the usages of fashionable depravity ; but I’ll forgive you, and make you acquainted with my new flame, one which you so grievously mistook, my harmless pet, “The Boston Dip.” ( Music, Beautiful Blue Danube. Mr. Mulligrub bows, and retires up, C. Waltz, Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub; Dasher and Eva; Kids and Ida.)

  CURTAIN.

  Andre Hof.fmann 46535 Dinslaken, Dammweg

 

 

  George M Baker, The Boston Dip

 

 

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